Selfishness and Love

We often find ourselves...

...in situations we would like to avoid again if at all possible. While teaching a class on relationships, a very wise and introspective class member asked me how he could integrate what I was teaching so that he would not make the same mistakes again in his life. I will never forget that question, the man who asked it, or the way we all answered his question together. The answer we found: he needed to be more selfish. It is no exaggeration to say that the discussion of that day's class has forever changed the way I look at my own life and the lives of all the people I care about.

I have searched the Internet for the definition of "selfish." Here are the two primary definitions I found: Caring supremely or unduly for one's self in disregard, or at the expense, of others; and Believing or teaching that the chief motives of human action are derived from love of self.

The first definition is the one we most often think about when we think of the word "selfish;" that selfishness is a bad thing, because it means we only care about ourselves, and do not care how we affect others. This definition is not only incorrect, it is harmful. Why? For one thing, selfishness is unavoidable. Even if we'd like to think we are not selfish, we are. Everything we do is based on selfishness. Ask yourself this question: is there anything anyone does that is not in some way based on what we want for ourselves, even if it also means sacrificing ourselves? No. There is no point in denying our selfishness, or pretending that we are not selfish. In fact, pretending we are not selfish, or trying to see ourselves as something other than selfish, can confuse us, and lead to bad decisions for our lives–because it prevents us from acting in a real way. It prevents us from seeing ourselves as we really are. It prevents us from asking ourselves what we really want and need for ourselves and from others. It also keeps us in denial about why our lives and our relationships have problems. Denying selfishness removes from us the opportunity to take responsibility for our decisions, so we can make better decisions.

If we embrace selfishness, not based on the first definition I gave, but on the second one-that what we do starts with love of ourselves–if we act in accordance with "love of our self," then we can finally begin to internalize what we learn, to own who we are, and to make our lives our own. We can then take responsibility for what we want and need, and make better choices for ourselves, which will in turn be better for our partners, children, family and everyone we love.

There is a second part to all of this. We have to ask, what do we really want for ourselves, what do we really need? I believe that we all want, although in many different and unique ways, to be loved and respected by others and to give our love and respect to others. We want to feel like we belong somewhere; to belong with someone we love, our family, or our community, our friends, even the stranger on the street. Is that a bad thing? No. It is a beautiful thing. And it is also selfish based on the above second definition. At times we make mistakes about how to give and receive the love and respect we want. We focus on what others want from us, and pursue things like big houses, large incomes, and social status hoping that through these things we will be loved and respected. We may also choose self-sacrificing behavior that ends up not being loving to the other or to our self.

Asking what others want from us may have its place, but we also need to ask ourselves what we really want for ourselves. We need to ask questions like: Who do I want to be as a person? How do I want to be in the relationships I have? What do I value in myself and how can I live that out more in my life? What is really important to me and how can I bring more of it into my experience? It is when we ask these kinds of question that we will realize that money alone, big houses, and social status will not get us real love and respect, but instead false respect, and maybe no love at all. Learn what you want and need and then learn how to ask for it. Then, you can offer love and acceptance to others. We must first have hope, compassion and love for ourselves, to truly offer them to others.

Michael Kinzer, MA, LMFT, is a psychotherapist at the Burnsville Counseling and Healing Clinic. Mr. Kinzer also works with prisoners as a family counselor, teacher, and motivational speaker.

03/06/08  By Michael Kinzer, MA LMFT